(no subject)

[whoiwasmeant2be]

Tobias is on his usual perch. He's just come in from a hunt, so resting and digesting is the next obvious step. He's done it hundreds of times since he and Rachel moved into the rooms.

But none of those times have involved thinking about how different peanut butter tastes. Not just peanut butter, either, but human food in general. He doesn't glance at the calendar on the wall. Rachel hasn't said anything about it since he put it up, so maybe she hasn't noticed it. If she hasn't, he certainly doesn't want to draw her attention to it. That might lead to... questions.

The kind he didn't know the answer to. The kind that could get her hopes up, which would make her all the more disappointed in him if something went wrong.

So, no calendar-looking. Just sitting, adjusting his feathers every so often, and wondering if peanut butter tastes any different when you're a hawk.

Comments

[theresnodoor]

Rachel has always been extremely neat when it comes to her living space. Tobias hasn't had possessions for a long time.

Meaning? Their living space is sparse enough that Rachel has not been able to enter the apartment without immediately noticing that calendar. The one he couldn't have put up without help - where 'help' includes 'thumbs.'

But he didn't do it in front of her. He didn't tell her about it. He hasn't mentioned it since. Everyday, there's a new mark, ticking off another day.

She doesn't know what he's counting down. What was so specific to him, not them but him, that he needed an entirely different calendar than what she'd picked up before.

This evening as the sun goes down, Rachel has been alternating between fashion magazines and the television. At this particular moment, she's stretched herself along the length of the couch, stomach-down, feet hanging off the edge with her cheek pillowed on one crossed arm. The other dangles off the couch, holding the remote.

Tonight's entertainment is a show called Mythbusters.

Rachel's actually kind of into it.

[whoiwasmeant2be]

One of the hardest things Tobias is dealing with as a human is this small talk stuff. He'd never been good at it before, and he hasn't gotten any better at it.

It's not like he has a lot of chances to practice.

<Isn't that dangerous?> he asks as the people on the show get ready to flip a car. With them inside.

[theresnodoor]

"They have helmets."

Makes all the difference, really.

Rachel's made the majority of her acquaintances here through activity more than anything. Her small talk skills might not be any more advanced than Tobias'. She might even be the first one to admit it.

Someday.

[whoiwasmeant2be]

<Oh>. That makes sense, Tobias supposes.

Maybe he should get a helmet.

Wait. Most humans don't do crazy stuff like this. So he probably won't need one.

He falls silent for a while before speaking up again. <I don't think I understand this show>.

What else is new, Tobias?

[theresnodoor]

"...I can change it."

She kind of likes it. A lot of them are myths she knows, though she's still waiting for some kind of definition of the word 'meme.' She's not sure where those came from.

But finding out which are true, doing it with that much excitement and display - kinda fun.

She's surprised Tobias isn't more into it, really. He'd always been the one to question assumptions.

[whoiwasmeant2be]

He's questioning plenty of assumptions these days. They kind of keep the assumption-questioning parts of his brain working overtime.

<It's fine>, he tells her, shaking his head. It's a completely human gesture, and not one he usually bothers with, but he's practicing.

<I don't mind it>.

[theresnodoor]

It catches her attention, that unexpected ruffle of feathers. Rachel lifts her head from her arm to look at him, catching the tail end of it.

She drops her gaze, quickly.

Early, he'd done that often. Nodded, shrugged. Still getting used to the hawk. And later, as a human, he'd forgotten how to do it naturally. Needed to be reminded not to stare. To blink on occasion.


There is a calendar on the wall that could only have been put there by human hands.

Rachel tries to pay attention to the flipping over a wall of duct tape. It's not working very well.

[whoiwasmeant2be]

Tobias doesn't notice that Rachel's distracted. He doesn't notice very, very carefully.

<I guess I can see what you find interesting about this show>. See? Totally innocuous comment!

[theresnodoor]

...that came just after the man with the beret caught his finger in some sort of industrial fan and began bleeding.

Rachel's eyebrows lower, her eyes narrow. It's not like Tobias to make a comment like that, related to her, late in the day when they're both indoors and lazy. It's not like him to deliberately bait her.

It's not like to decorate the walls either.

[whoiwasmeant2be]

It's only after he's said the words that Tobias really registers what was on the screen at that moment, and by then it's too late to take it back.

She might ask why he said it. That might lead to why he even cared about small talk. And, well... one thing led to another, and with them, 'another', wasn't always much fun.

Tobias feels like he should say something else. Something to deflect or defuse, but he doesn't know what to say. And getting it wrong ill only make things worse.

So falls back on his old stand-by: silence.

[theresnodoor]

Like he's waiting for her to react. Like it was some sort of push or experiment to see what she'd do.

He hasn't done that before. It was never his job.

Rachel's only response is to lift the remote and change the channel.

[whoiwasmeant2be]

That's a surprise? Kind of?

<I said you didn't have to change it> Tobias points out. In case she was doing it because of his earlier words.

[theresnodoor]

"I don't want to watch it anymore," Rachel snaps.

It's not a growl.

She made sure of that.

[whoiwasmeant2be]

<Oh>.

Oh.

Tobias has the sneaking suspicion that he's done something wrong. Said something he shouldn't have.

He could ask her what it is. Maybe try to straighten things out. Talk through it, whatever it is.

He doesn't say anything.

[theresnodoor]

The new program features scantily-clad women with large amounts of jewelry shouting at each other and pulling hair in high-end shops while their children watch.

Rachel changes that one with a sound of disgust.

Animal Planet - click.

History Channel - click.

History Channel in HD featuring WWII - click.

Food Network - click.

Saved by the - click.

"Shhhh! Be vewy vewy quiet! I'm huntin' WABBITS."

Rachel hesitates.

[whoiwasmeant2be]

Tobias still doesn't say anything, but there's an odd sense that the air in the room is slightly easier to breathe.

Cartoons are safe. No drama. No stories that are about them. Who they were, who they never got to be, any of that.

In fact, cartoons were... kind of nostalgic? Maybe?

Tobias hasn't really watched them since... well... before.

Funny. Thinking about before used to involve a much more noticeable sinking feeling in his gut. When had that stopped happening?

He gives a mental snort, something close to amusement maybe, when he realizes he doesn't really care.

[theresnodoor]

At that exact moment, Elmer Fudd-- is actually in a tuxedo, going through a wedding ceremony to a Bugs Bunny wearing white.

Rachel couldn't take that mental snort offensively if she tried, in this instance.

Especially not since it was amused.

In fact, all she really does when she 'hears' it is to blink and smile, small and pleased. They found a show they could both watch. And Tobias laughed.

Sort of.

[whoiwasmeant2be]

Close enough!

There are one or two more snorts over the next five minutes before Tobias speaks again.

<I'd forgotten how ridiculous these were>. To be fair, he's forgotten a lot of things. Most of them fall into that broad category of 'Things Normal People Know'.

[theresnodoor]

Rachel grins against her arm, dropping the remote to fold both beneath her head, wriggling comfortably. "Remember the one with the opera? Bugs had long gold braids and a fat horse, and Elmer had a spear."

[whoiwasmeant2be]

<And the magic helmet>? Tobias suggests, hoping he's thinking of the right one.

He doesn't want her to lose that grin. It looks too good there. Too right. And she doesn't get to wear it enough.

[theresnodoor]

Now Rachel laughs, bright. It's possible she set him up for that, just to hear him finish the phrase. "That would be the one, yeah."

[whoiwasmeant2be]

No lips means you can't smile, but the expression is audible in Tobias' tone anyway.

<I think that's all I really remember. It's been a while>. And remembering old cartoons hasn't been high on Tobias' list of priorities in... well, ever.

[theresnodoor]

"I don't remember any of the other words either," Rachel admits, still grinning. "It's definitely been a while, but we used to watch this all the time. Jordan and-"






Once, just once since he's been back, she's mentioned someone she left behind.

She'd never done it again.

[whoiwasmeant2be]

Oh.

Oh.

Tobias doesn't say anything, but he does spread his wings and make the short hop onto the back of the couch.

It occurs to him that if he were human, he could offer Rachel a hug.

But he doesn't morph. Still, he can at least be there. Be close.

Even if it doesn't do any good.

[theresnodoor]

It doesn't hurt, exactly. It doesn't pull at her heart. At her stomach, more like, at her core. People she knew, who thought they knew her.

They'd been doing well, and she hadn't even meant to... but both her sisters had still been watching cartoons when she left, even if the older of them was trying to hide it.

At the sound of that hop, Rachel pauses, face still pressed against the couch cushion. Then she rolls onto her back, reaching up a hand to stroke his wing with the back of her fingers.



She wouldn't mind a hug. If it was Tobias offering.

[whoiwasmeant2be]

He wants to. He wants her smile back. Or, failing that, he wants to see some of that tension that sings through her body to fade away.

But he doesn't morph. He's not ready. And he just knows that if he does, he'll do something wrong. Say something wrong. And make things worse.

So he stays where he is, perched on the back of the couch. But he does turn his head slightly, pressing his beak gently against that finger.

Offering what he can.

[theresnodoor]

For that, she smiles.

It's not the same. It's not a grin or a laugh. But that doesn't make it less real. If anything it's more honest than any laugh she gave a cartoon.

If he wants to be human sometimes, if he wants to hide that from her, keep it to himself... that's up to him. His body, his choice what shape to keep it in.

And he's here. He hasn't left her to go home.

It has to count for something. It does count for something.

[whoiwasmeant2be]

It's not that much. Not really. He has nothing to go back to, and the truth is that even when he isn't sure what he's doing, Rachel is home.

Being here? It's pretty much the absolute least he can do. He should do more, really.

But... he can't. Yet.

Maybe one day?

[theresnodoor]

Rachel wouldn't know what to ask for.

Except...

But no. She's done her best not to.

She won't.

But she will pinch his beak between two fingers and grin again.

[whoiwasmeant2be]

It's enough. It has to be.

For now, at least.

Maybe one day it will be different, but maybe it won't. So Tobias doesn't think about the maybe. He just pushes his beak against her fingers again.

[theresnodoor]

She knows, intimately, that it would take barely any pressure at all for him to tear her fingertip to the bone.

It's an idle thought, an amusement as she pets his throat, then drops her hands back down to fold on her stomach.

He doesn't - or the hawk doesn't - really like to be touched. Tobias tolerates it, when she tries, but she won't take advantage of that.

...anymore than she just has.

[whoiwasmeant2be]

The hawk doesn't like it, and Tobias was never a touchy-feely sort, but a little stillness is easy enough to give. Not enough, perhaps, but he can give it.

For Rachel.